Speed night at the theater [r]

Fast and Furious (6.3)

• Rides (7): Rides has finally been done right. The featured machines hail from many countries, decades, and backgrounds. Caymans, Camaros, Skylines, new Mustangs, M3s; the list is extensive because no car survives more than a fraction of the film.
  The minor details are important, there aren't any Civics racing rx7s or Jettas racing s2000s. The drug runners use a traditional Hummer where many movies would have opted for the commercial H2 or H3. The cartel kingpin rolls in a 'rambo lambo' escorted by 90s-era Suburbans in lieu of the Escalade or late mode Suburban option.
  But because Toretto and O'Connor go through so many rides in 99 minutes, there's no single car that's meant to capture the affection of the characters and audience. The first movie let us cheer for the Ferrari-beating Supra and salivate over the mythical Charger. This movie treats cars only as a means to an end, which isn't a sentiment shared by an audience that will suffer horrible writing and acting to see some fine steel - CR
  A variety of different style cars. Small ones, big ones, big ones with engine things sticking out of the top, big tires... Oh, a Subbie wrx - word to the Subarus! They picked a cute hatchback version in lieu of the sedan, but they did keep the classic Subbie blue color. I can't complain, a little cuteness goes a long way.
  Lots of recognizable street cars - Honda s2000, Porsche Cayman, black Hummer getaway car, and I believe the fake boss man was driving in a Lincoln limosine. - CS
• Authenticity (3): There wasn't much criteria in the realm of authenticity for this movie - Does nitro-meth exist? Does only one person in LA use it? Would it leave a burn mark for CSI: Vin Diesel to find? The rest of the issues are more a matter of being sensible. The tunnel we can estimate to be a half mile based on the time it take fast and furious drivers to race a quarter mile. This sort of feat can and has been accomplished in human history - though usually near a town and rarely matching the width of a car. What I really revel in is that they escape the heat sensor by recruiting fast cars/drivers. But once in the tunnel... underground, they have to drive enven faster to escape being seen by a helicopter. - JR
  Are you serious? This is a movie! No such thing as authenticity. - CS
  The story and dialog are on par with the FF series and any other speed night movie. The action sequences take quite a few liberties with physics and human cognition, but few bits are visually unauthentic (increased frame rate, poor cg). - CR
• Chicas (7): The producer of the fast and the furiouses has obviously made his living off of flashing half naked girls on the screen, this movie was more of the same - but with a latin twist. Especially nice was that they limited the amount of guys in the background to really - as we say in MBA school - maximize the hotness. The female leads had small parts: Letty dies, Mia has become a shut-in, and Agent Trinh is clearly stuck on O'Connor's friends ladder (only females have a friends ladder). Toretto is still a musclebound hothead who is suddenly finding his softer side. This may make some girls gush, I'm really not sure. This softer side also interferes with our chances of seeing Gisele take her gear off. - JR
  It seems, in the previous FFs, the extras all came from one place: import car shows. This applies equally to the flamboyant Civics and the girls straddling them. With any amount of scrutiny it could be determined that they came from a very unappealing reality. Not so with Fast and Furious, despite a prevailing skank level reaching somewhere in the stratosphere, the eye candy is such even when in focus. -CR
  No comment on the chicas. The tall, skinny villain gal's eye candy came across as anorexic, however, Jordana Brewster brings up the flesh category. The non-femmes are dominated by Vin Diesel and Paul Walker, despite the Dilbert attire. A little less shirt would have been nice, but after all said and done, the initial scenes with Han did bump the non-femmes up a notch. - CS
  
• One Liners (6): '20% angel, 80% devil.' One word about how Vinnie looked when he said that: hot. Oh wait, that belongs in the flesh category... - CS
  'You looked under my hood?' 'Now you owe me a ten second car' 'When the gps calls...' Plenty of one liners, both sensical and not. - JR
  There are a few cute ones, 'Sorry, car.' There are a few that make fun of Paul Walker, 'Still a buster.' 'Buster's a gearhead.' And there are a few that are meant to sound in touch with the street racer scene, 'Meth nitrous is for pussies.' While the movie isn't quotially vacant, it's hard to live up to the quotability of the original. - CR
  
• Action Sequences (7): Cars were crashed, but no more than what the Tokyo Drift kid did single handedly. - JR
  I would give it a ten, but since I didn't get an A and CR did, it gets a 9.5. Full-on balls of fires action with exploding cars and leaky nitrous- what more could the dentist ask? The murder mystery added a good twist and actually gave the movie a story, complemented by some good ol' fashioned beat-him-to-a-pulp action sequences.
  The villain guy, however, could have been a little more villiany. He came across like a smug smurf that forgot to eat his Wheaties. More evil, more tyranny was needed. Even Evil Green Car Driver Guy wasn't as mad as he was supposed to be. Mad Max would beat him in madness any day. However, I must say, the Dukes of Hazzard Vin Diesel revenge style was definitely appropriate.
  Overall, the action was quite throttling and deserves a nice high score. - CS
  
• Star Power (8): They brought back the original crew. Apparently the first movie had more star power than initially assessed, as Vin Diesel definitely made the movie. It would not have been the same without him. Paul Walker definitely added star power, but he would have taken the limelight had he not worn a Dilbert suit 50% of the time. - CS
  One of the main draws of Fast and Furious is that it reunites the core of the original cast. Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Jordana Brewster, and Michelle Rodriguez haven't risen to glorious Hollywood stardom in the last eight years, but their careers haven't languished either. It's great to see a cameo by Han, the most amiable character in the series. Walker is only distractingly bad on occasion and the female leads do a good job of portraying unsympathetic characters. I glanced at a review beforehand, it spoke disparagingly of Diesel's acting, claiming he comes across as tired and effortless. I actually saw this as understandable anguish that peaks at an excellent scene that is pointlessly destroyed by O'Connor's spontaneous make up sex with Mia. - CR

7+
The Fast and the Furious (7.7): Genre-defining, quotable, unreal
Gumball Rally (7.5): Still relevant
Initial D (7.1): Cult, riveting, but give us some shine
Thunderbolt (7.0): Over the top for better and worse
6+
Days of Thunder (6.7): Pretty good but not very pretty
Fast and Furious (6.3): New model, original problems
Ronin (6.3): Left in the briefcase: girls, rides, one-liners
Mad Max (6.2): Brutal action, no frills
Truth in 24 (6.2): Good, but too much truth for speed night
5+
Redline (5.7): Fantastic if watched in a foreign language
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (5.6): Sexy, but unfulfilling
2 Fast 2 Furious (5.3): 2 flimsy
4+
Driven (4.9): Succeeds in everything unrelated to cars
Death Race 2000 (4.0): If only they were just racing across town
3+
Movin' Too Fast (3.3): Well, it has cars

A few more shots of the carnage [s]

There are a few wires to dispose of, all in due time. The couch is a bit off the wall to center its occupants more and provide a space for the woofer. Um and I'm terrible at pillowing couches.



I brought the tripods home from my office so I had a bit more snapping liberty.



Dixieline was closed today, grumble. Still, I put the head back.



Surf board rack with wifi. Duh.

Truth in 24 (6)

• Rides (7): The speed night mainstay is a powerful road car that features a wealth of modifications such as blowers, bottles, death proof roll cages, and chaingun turrets. The LeMans circuit is a departure, for sure, but not one that dances off into the fairly land of f1 and the lot where cars - to paraphrase Ferdinand Porsche - should win a race and then fall to pieces. Nay, LeMans racers have to run strong for a contiguous day and have been a testbed for the development plenty of commecial technology.
  Truth in 24 showcases the fastest and least recognizable of the series, the prototype class. These machines are purely designed for function and tend to be a crap shoot for aesthetics. I would have found myself salivating considerably more had they focused on the classes that consist of 430s, 911s, S7s, Corvettes and the like. But that experience may have been ruined every time a LMP breezed by on the outside of a hairpin.
  So while there's little variety or focus on the cars you might actually see in the parking garage at your local hospital, they look good, sound good, and require no increased frame rate or cgi to knock your socks off.
  
• Authenticity (10): It's a documentary. You can't get a whole lot more authentic without jumping formats. Of course I'm accepting the characterization of Peugot as evil. But if they weren't evil they wouldn't have made their cars looks so evil.
  
• Femmes (0): I think I spotted a few in the crowd. For something created by nfl films and shown on espn, I actually expected a few umbrella girls.
  
• One Liners (7): The authenticity and female content aren't a surprise, but the prevalence of quotables was a shocker. None are so cornball to be as memorable as 'danger to manifold' or 'my hand gernade', but they're excellent within the context of the story. The lecherous lead engineer of the Audi powerplant has a few, such as the observation that his turbo diesel is quiet and sexy, in contrast to the 'normal' perception of sexy as involving screaming. Shudder.
  Then there are a few - often through thick accents - that draw a chuckle while you're watching, such as, 'Drive home like grandma'. And then the prophetic, 'It always rains at LeMans'.
  
• Action Sequences (7): I'll start with the 3/10ths empty part of the glass: no martial arts, Mexican stands-off, or nos explosions. The 7/10ths is a tasty blend of Fine Driving, high speed camera clips, mishaps, and flying cars. The carnage is actually Tetrised into the storyline so it doesn't feel like a nascar commercial. And most importantly, the movie draws on so many sources of footage that the coverage of the track, cars, pits, is very complete. It doesn't hurt that you can watch some impressive shots and know it wasn't cooked up by a supercomputer cluster or remotely control car.
  
• Star Power (6): Paul Newman and Steve McQueen show up in a few homage clips, the rest are racers.

7+
The Fast and the Furious (7.7): Genre-defining, quotable, unreal
Gumball Rally (7.5): Still relevant
Initial D (7.1): Cult, riveting, but give us some shine
Thunderbolt (7.0): Over the top for better and worse
6+
Days of Thunder (6.7): Pretty good but not very pretty
Ronin (6.3): Left in the briefcase: girls, rides, one-liners
Mad Max (6.2): Brutal action, no frills
Truth in 24 (6.2): Good, but too much truth for speed night
5+
Redline (5.7): Fantastic if watched in a foreign language
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (5.6): Sexy, but unfulfilling
2 Fast 2 Furious (5.3): 2 flimsy
4+
Driven (4.9): Succeeds in everything unrelated to cars
Death Race 2000 (4.0): If only they were just racing across town
3+
Movin' Too Fast (3.3): Well, it has cars

The return of the leaderboard [r]

The leaderboard updated and redistributed:
7+
The Fast and the Furious (7.7): Genre-defining, quotable, unreal
Gumball Rally (7.5): Still relevant
Initial D (7.1): Cult, riveting, but give us some shine
Thunderbolt (7.0): Over the top for better and worse
6+
Days of Thunder (6.7): Pretty good but not very pretty
Ronin (6.3): Left in the briefcase: girls, whips, one-liners
Mad Max (6.2): Brutal action, no frills
5+
Redline (5.7): Fantastic if watched in a foreign language
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (5.6): Sexy, but unfulfilling
2 Fast 2 Furious (5.3): 2 flimsy
4+
Driven (4.9): Succeeds in everything unrelated to cars
Death Race 2000 (4.0): If only they were just racing across town
3+
Movin' Too Fast (3.3): Well, it has cars

I'll let the graphing experts normalize this to a more pleasing distribution.

Cheers and tears [r]

The Gumball Rally (7)

• Rides (8): Gumball pairs rides, drivers, and opponents like fine cuisine. And the dichotomies are key; sure a Ferrari gliding through the final corners of a circuit is a beautiful thing, but to have a Porsche rubbing against her at every turn is incomparable. Likewise, the film takes the best hardware 1976 had to offer and matches each machine to its archetypal driver (in much the same way we stereotype Jetta and Corvette owners). Sure, Franco deserved a more flamboyantly styled Ferrari, but the NY businessman has his Cobra, the ladies have their droptop 911, the old country club-ites have their classic Benz, the redneck has his Camaro, and the insane Hungarian has his Kawi racer. And the scenes do well to let each vehicle contrast the others. - CR
• Authenticity (7): Inspired by the first one lap race, the plot of the film isn't far from reality. I can't say much for the historical races, but the contemporary Gumball and Cannonball rallies are entertainment for wealthy motorsport enthusiasts and the occasional oddball. The movie takes some liberties with physics and law enforcement, but nothing as egregious as some of its peers. - CR
• Gals (6): By 70s standards this is by far too tame on the nudity. Compared to Death Race its sort of a junior high version of the cross-country debauchery we would have expected. The quality of the hardware is fair, but not remarkable in a Redline sort of way. In an either/or choice between good looking and undressed it scores ok on both, but it's not remarkable. A perfect ten in flesh would be the cast of Redline in the (lack of) costumes from DR2000. And something about a hairy Italian man making formula one engine noises with his lips against the subject seems to detract from said subject’s overall appeal. - EA
• One Liners (9): '55 MPH – fast enough to kill you, slow enough to make you think you’re safe.'
  'The first rule of Italian driving; what’s behind me is not important.'
  Extra points here because the line made it into everyday lexicon, at least among the reviewers.
  On Jags: 'It’s an elegant design… I wish it would run.' - EA
• Action Sequences (8): Lots of it. Flames of fire, flying Hungarians, dying Jaguars. A good mix of real car stunts and mechanical carnage. I really would have liked to see more cop cars get destroyed. The film itself was practically all on-road action start to finish, without many side plots cutting into the driving time. I really expected more shenanigans and dirty tricks, but we have the Cannonball series to go still. - EA
• Star Power (7): Raul Julia and Gary Busey do the word 'eccentric' great justice with their portrayals of the stereotypical Italian and redneck racers. I'll give Gumball the benefit of the doubt and suppose a few of them were stars at the time. - CR
  

Movin' Too Fast (3)

• Rides (5): GM’s F-body is dead and gone and resurrection seems to be put on indefinite hold - as the only working New Camaro prototype turned into a fighting monster and ran off (or so I’m told, I never saw the Transformers). But in the dusty expanses of Nevada desert, the ghost of Chevy’s pony rides like Ichabod Crane. Rather than a headless horseman we have limo tint on every glass surface save the headlights, but the haunting anonymity is the same. In F-body terms the car is right-on, with ghost-flame paint, enormous cowl-induction, chrome wheels and cherry bomb exhaust. This is the ride every skoal-chewer is dreaming of creating from the rusting RS on cinder blocks next to his trailer. That is, as soon as that insurance settlement, unemployment check, and lotto scratcher arrive. Also-rans are a few Yamaha two strokes and a leased jag convertible, but nothing noteworthy from them. - EA
• Authenticity (5): Good and bad here. The desert ‘froader party was pretty spot on, save the lack of bro-ho baby-mommas and illegitimate children running around. But in my experience the combination of beer, two-strokes and random things set afire seems reasonably accurate.
  Also true to life is the ability of the pretty and opinionated passenger to decide it is time to talk about her hurt feelings when the driver is desperately trying to get somewhere. The misconstruing of urgency as 'yelling at me' seems all too common. Plus points for the horror movie standard of sexual activity leading to dire consequences, or as Ash said 'That’s what you get for being a slut!' Also amusing is the accuracy of the European not knowing how to hold a shotgun.
  On the minus - Chevy doesn’t make a 440, Jaguars don’t start reliably, it doesn’t take three days to drive out of one corrupt jurisdiction. Oh and there are no random 'urban lifestyle' cafes in the empty expanses of New Mexico’s desert highways. - EA
• Associates (3): High budget blockbuster films with female leads build their characters around that one girl you'll meet in your life that's climbed El Capitan and recorded a death metal album in the Marianas Trench. You know, the one real life girl that supplies credibility to all those stereotype-trashing female action stars that high budget blockbusters love so much.
  This movie has no such female characters, though it dares to feature an insane but calculating murderer. No, these heroines do their best to blend in to the stereotype and discuss feelings and friendship roles while a maniacal cop-killer is using his push bar to bleed their blinker fluid. - CR
  They're cute, but nothing mindblowing. And despite all the tension and suggestion, it never happens. - CR
• One Liners (1): I'm sure there are a few to draw laughter, but nothing worth noting. - CR
• Action Sequences (5): Fingers ready? Seek button primed? At the edge of your seat? Good, I'm about to guide you to the most exciting sequence in the movie. Pick up the dvd case, look at the cover. Done.
  I won't say the movie is devoid of action, there is some chasery and shotgunnery. Something in the vein of horror movie malice combined with early Tarantino brutality (before he went way over the top).
  Apparently these girls don't find time in their busy law school [cough night school cough] schedules to take the XK8 to the track; you only see them moving too fast in a straight line. So aside from some bumpering and a single well executed but ho-hum crash, Movin' Too Fast is devoid of speed-related action (the title turns out to be a metaphor for sluttiness). - CR
• Star Power (1): You’ll recognize the co-starring pair as “Rape Victim #2” from Law and Order Episode 34 and “Ward Nurse” from General Hospital’s 109th amnesia episode. But other than that it’s a bunch of no-names. Oh, and psychic Miss Cleo plays a grumpy restauranteer. - EA

Ronin (6)

• Rides (5): The world of espionage is no place for a bright red F50. Real field ops use unbecoming saloons with very large engines. Or so Ronin would have us believe. The M5 and SEL featured in this one are certainly remarkable machines and they seem fit to carry mysterious suitcases and caches d'armes. The French cars used in the film are a bit less exciting, 3l fwd rides. Ronin most definitely succeeds as a speed night movie for its prodigious use of reckless driving, but the cars are - by necessity - fairly unremarkable. - CR
  
• Authenticity (9): 'I’ll need a nitrous system, I have the specs here… and some bigger injection jets, the Bosch wont do, these have to be custom, and two bottles…'
  Sounds like a recipe for a great weekend and an extremely void powertrain warranty.
  Since I have no experience in Europe or in international espionage, I will have to evaluate the movie based on its automotive content, which should be the determining factor anyway. When I first saw this movie it was in theaters and I was still green behind the wheel, and I don’t mean I was driving a hybrid. This film was the first time I had seen a handbrake turn executed, and I immediately tested the authenticity of the maneuver in my parents' Civic. As it turns out, the film left out the part where the car ends up in the neighbor’s flower bed, so minus points on the realism.
  Seeing the movie a decade later I had a little more ground to judge the credibility of the hooliganry – and as it turns out, it’s pretty well believable. The stunts looked/were real and the driving was skilled and well orchestrated, but did a good job of simulating heated shenanigans by semi-skilled drivers on crowded European streets. I thought all the 'bumpering' added to the credibility, like seeing the cars fishtail into surrounding traffic breaking taillights and corner lamps.
  The carspeak was right (it is a good idea to put in a larger injector when running a sizeable nitrous system, the Bosch just won't do).
  One could argue that the chases were too even for the automotive mismatches (M5 has trouble pulling a Peugeot?), but factor in traffic and driver skill and familiarity with the terrain and its not so unbelievable.
  The only area I can dock is that the crash pyrotechnics looked too much like fireworks and too little like the sparks from metal/asphalt abrasion. It was the same roman candle sparklers that produced the incendiaries when the UltraMegaZord decked Rita’s Dragonbot with the Sword of Absurdium in season 1 of Power Rangers. Voltron Ripoff.
  What I found incredible at 16 I have deemed credible at 26. - EA
• Femmes (1): No umbrella girls in this one. Deirdre is hot, but fully clothed, the whole damn movie. The second and final female character, is fit, wears skin-tight clothing, and has celebrity status: Natacha Kirilova. Still, she’s introduced, does a lil frollicking, and is summarily shot dead. I am thankful they didn’t crud up the movie with too much of a love story, but for a category entitled flesh, it doesn’t deserve a whole point. - JR
• One Liners (5): Does 'They’re in Nice; the package is in Nice' qualify as a one liner? With the deep Irish accent, it is the catchiest. Despite the ridiculous redundancy of Sam’s lines, they aren’t all that memorable. 'What color was that boathouse at Hereford', 'That’s lesson number two', 'We went to high school together', 'You bolloxed it up'. It’s got good lines, just pales in comparison to 'I live my life a quarter mile at a time'. - JR
• Action Sequences (10): Am I allowed to give a ten? Yeah, any movie that can outperform this one deserves the eleven. The use of action is brilliantly excecuted, each scene carries the movie's momentum so you don't grow weary from rising and falling tension. The sequences themselves are pure eye candy laced with adrenaline and set against some gorgeous backdrops. - CR
  
• Star Power (8): DeNiro is, well, DeNiro. And he does that well. The honor-among-theives pairing of DeNiro and the professional has a good dynamic as they both identify the other as honorable contenders in a world of fakes and snakes. The score could have neared 10 if we brought in Bono to play the Irish terrorist and Harrison Ford to Cameo as Sam’s CIA contact ('where’s the post office?'). - EA

Death Race 2000 (4)

• Rides (5): All five points here are for the creative fiberglass work. The cars themselves could be any chassis, but the strange, amusement park style shells on them laid the groundwork for monster truck styling for decades to come. If you like Adam West’s batmobile…
  I eagerly await Speed Racer to see if 35 years of special effects progress gives us crappy cg versions of one-off, non-stock concept cars or if we just get another round of composite shells stuck on junkyard frames. - EA
  
• Authenticity (1): As the milennium approaches, the likelihood of a postapocalypse in 2000 seems less and less guaranteed. But when the the minute-hand strikes that magical twelve and all five IBM mainframes on earth simultaneously shut down, the Soviets launch a pre-emptive strike, our five moon bases lose contact with Earth, and Mulder and Scully kiss, will the idiocratic masses be appeased only by Mr. President's transcontinental rally of doom? Will our images of Vietnam and senselessly violent postapocalyptic movies have desensitized us to the point of wheeling the elderly into the street to be mowed down like so many helpless rodents? Will our society reach a level of open-mindedness and tolerence where race teams identified by heinous stereotypes will be free to compete without fear of recourse?
  Yes, the answer is yes. A chillingly accurate portent of the years that once were to have come.
  Two points for using cars that, by all appearances, run on gasoline rather than synthesized noise. I'll abstain from rating the physics and mechanics as I am unfamiliar with year 2000 technology and the complex gravity created by a planet made fragmented by nuclear war. - CR
  
• Females (9): The best part about watching a movie from the 70s is that when the hot female lead is introduced, you know your chances of seeing full frontal from her are roughly equal to your chances of getting sick from an all-you-can-eat sushi bar in Tijuana. Luckily this was a product of Hollywood, because in a foreign film from the same era your chances of seeing the male lead in the same state of undress are just as high.
  In the interests of thoroughness the movie fails to leave a single nipple unexposed and is pretty unabashed about cramming a good deal of them into an otherwise bleak and empty film. By contemporary standards, the quality of the meat isn’t exactly prime, but there are points scored for quantity over quality. In keeping with the meat analogy, this is sort of the 'if you can finish it, it’s free' kind of steak. Sure you get 72 ounces of nudity rather than an 8 ounce filet mignon that you are only allowed to lick once or twice (Redline). - EA
  
• One Liners (4): There were several laughable retorts shot around, but honestly, nothing memorable. Maybe I missed a good exchange during the portions I slept through [Ed: -A gernade? -A hand gernade.], but that says enough on its own. - EA
  
• Action Sequences (2): How exciting is it to race fiberglass tubs down 66? How scary is a divebombing Cessna? How heartwrenching is a presidental assassination plot horrifically executed in front of tens of people? Yeah, anything that might have generated excitement is lost in the lack of budget and availability of decent stunts. E had two good reasons to fall asleep: narcolepsy and the movie. - CR
  
• Star Power (3): David Carradine is cool but doesn't have much to work with. It's pretty awesome to see a young Sylvester Stallone playing a shameless Italian stereotype. But that's it. - CR

2 Fast 2 Furious (5)

• Rides (5): This movie cannot be seen without the special feature that depicts our hero's journey from LA to Florida as a series of drag races. Yeah, it's cause he's doing it with a vr4 - well I'm sure his is a gto mr. As far as cars go, this movie is kind of a disappointment for the series. The first one highlighted an rx7 and tt supra, now we have an evo and a eclipse. Bleh. Sure the camaro and the challenger are fun, but nothing to write home about. I'm sure there's some car pr0n to be had with prodigious use of the pause button, but that would seriously interrupt the 2 Fast 2 Furious experience.
• Authenticity (1): Well, the movie begins with a mostly-cg race that climaxes with two racers jumping a drawbridge after the other two crashed. Uh, then the Florida state troopers shoot a large capacitor at Paul Walker's car in order to disable it. That's because hitting the fender near the tires with a n-thousand volt power source is much easier and less lethal than a slug to the tire.
  Then the plot starts... - CR
  
• Hoez (4): Eva Mendes looks good, Devon Aoki is okay. There's plenty of Miami-requisite skin, but only fleeting. More could have been done here.
  
• One Liners (6): The dialogue is not as expository of the underground racing scene as the first, and lacks improperly applied gearhead-speak and automotivication (opposite of personification, rather than referring to cars as if they were alive –eg 'The motor’s gotten used to hard driving', the people are referred to as if they were vehicles – 'he’s got unleaded in his veins') of the characters. Still, when a script is written by a room full of eighth graders serving detention, there is the usual amount of misapplied and poorly delivered youth-slang. The pinnacle comes when P-dubya warns his prison buddy of his next backdoor maneuvering with the declaration 'I got something for your ass!'
• Action Sequences (6): Points for quantity, as there was action a'plenty. Mostly just in-traffic weaving shenanigans on those southern highways and some all-too-long drag races. The interspliced cg stood out the way a live-action character does in a late George Lucas film. The races were entertaining, but not groundbreaking in any sense. And there was promise of a turbo-charged prelude, but I never saw one…
  
• Star Power (8): Like truckers at Al Gore’s gas station, we were all left asking 'where’s Diesel?'. Palk returns, Tyrece tries to fill in for the lack in man-meat, and the most points come from Ludacris playing not just a cameo part, but a supporting role as a retired street-racer turned promoter/bookie.
  

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (5)

• Rides (7): The F&F series has bounced around with plots, remaking Point Break for the first one, doing Miami Vice in the second, Cool Runnings for the third, apparently Miami Vice again for the fourth... But if there's one formula that could describe them all and that's parade a grotesque array of offensively festooned imports in front of the viewer and then throw in a few pony cars to prove they're hetero. There must have been some serious 'oh noes'es when the producers realized drift cars had to be rear wheel drive.
  350z to the rescue! 1990s to the rescue! It's kind of nice to be spared the chaff (Civics, Preludes, Integras) and see some decent Japanese machinery, not all of which was readily available at your local Nissan dealer. Some of the mods were a little backwards - rwd Lancer, rb26 in the Mustang - but E for effort.
  And Han's fd is the best looking car in the series, a find blend of creativity and taste. - CR
  
• Authenticity (4): Is there any dispute that can't be settled by a race? Mountain drifting is a win-win-win solution, as it's more cost effective than homicide, gets the whole town involved in your shady yakuza business, and really portrays you as a tough gangster that's not to be crossed.
  Oh and Americans have trouble adjusting to Japanese culture, Bill Murray taught me that. - CR
  
• Sailor Moons (8): Another composite score. If your fever is of the yellow variety, this film is a twelve out of ten. If you enjoy some other persuasion, or were hoping for a Vin Diesel style hulk, you came up short at a four. Lots of candy in just one flavor. Oh, and a great big sumo guy in a tiny towel for those who rank quantity way above quality in the meat market. - EA
  
• One Liners (5): There's an old saying, for want of a writer, the script was lost. For want of a script, the movie was lost. For want of a movie, the series was lost. For want... oh they made another? Nevermind. Good work, writer of The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. There are a few nuggets here regarding the unabbreviated version of the title 'D.K.', only racing for pinks, and Han's endless well of prophetic maxims. But the third installment is the weakest of a series that's pretty good at producing cult quotes. - CR
  
• Action Sequences (7): The intro race easily breaches past the 9.0 mark, but it’s a downhill slide [ed: pun probably intended] from there. A good old fashioned FF drag race for… money? No. Pinks? No. Honor? Hardly. The FF world knows only one prize worth risking life, limb, and connecting rod for. And that is underage prom queen panty rights.
  The race is classic; we love the hero, hate the villain, and root for home-built muscle over store-bought flash. After the requisite amount of dirty tricks and broken down construction barriers the race climaxes in one of - if not the best - crash scene in the the trilogy.
  From there on it’s a steady slide into underwhelming cg FF fare. There are still enjoyable moments; the hero’s first attempt at drifting and subsequent training montage, Han’s display of the 'real' reason for drifting, and the exploitation of the firmware gap between the police and Japan’s aftermarket tuners. The later street races are all standard FF shenanigans that don’t lend anything new to the series, and the final downhill drift race has nothing on Initial D.
  It’s a nine that quickly slips to a five (had a date like that a while ago), so we can agree on a mean seven. - EA
  
• Star Power (3): Bow Wow is a major character. Tim The Tool Man Taylor's son as a minor character. Ugh, all three points go to Vin Diesel for his unnecessary but very appreciated cameo. - CR

You must have eight cylinders to ride [r]

Three more automotive blockbusters spanning three very different decades.

Mad Max (6)

• Rides (7): Let me tell you a story. The year is 1963 and McCarthyism is in full swing. J.D. Salinger is summoned to the HUAC and, fearing prison, flees to Australia. Finding himself with as much free time as assets, Salinger founds a business and names it after his most notable character. His initial line of people-hunting apparel sells poorly, but it isn't long before he is approached by the automotive industry's sympathetic far left hand, General Motors. Mad Max becomes the inevitable lovechild of American muscle and closet homicidal tendencies.
  Suffice it to say, the steel in this movie looks good, sounds good, and goes fast. Holden V-8s are about as flashy as cars come south of the equator, so perhaps the appeal is lost in these days of magnesium paddle shifters and engine management computers. Mention should be made for the prevalence of motorbikes, though they don't stretch their legs in many scenes. - CR
  
• Authenticity (7.5): Guest reviewer; a real Aussie. The locale fairly depicts the outback and the bush-whacking rustics of decades past. The yellowish tones of neglected dried grass and rolling expanses of barren, desert land bears resemblance to remote Australia. Sadly, the title does not serve the protagonist well, Max is quite normal compared to his peers. Max could have been much madder, as such the authenticity suffers. The title should be Brooding, Sensitive Max on account of his lack of madness. - CS
  
• Sheilas (4): In a dystopic near-future the dating scene is as devoid as the oil reserves. Four points awarded here; one for the fully clothed anorexic coke head cabaret singer, one for Aunt May showing off her stockings while she shotguns the bikers, one for the traumatized gang-love victim tied to the car, and finally, one for the mannequin passed around at the beach.
  Four ones is a four in compliance with George Carlin’s law of summation “I’ve never had a ten, but one night I had five twos”. Negligible additional credit for Max’s man of a wife and all the bare-ass bikers (it really is an area you want to protect in a crash) that [Ed: spoiler alert] would return in force in the two sequels. - EA
  
• One Liners (3): Finding quotes in this movie is like hunting Easter eggs in a whirlpool lit only by a strobe. If you can cut through the highly authentic Aussie accents (where are my subtitles?) there's still the problem that everyone in the future is a babbling idiot. "Hey, fella! You're a turkey!" Huh? "I'm a fuel injected suicide machine." I think fuel injection was synonymous with high tech in '79.
  Introspection doesn't work so well in a future where you can't get ice cream without being molested, "Look, any longer out on that road and I'm one of them, a terminal psychotic, except that I've got this bronze badge that says that I'm one of the good guys."
  If I had to have a favorite, it'd be, "Speed's just a question of money." - CR
  
• Action Sequences (7.5): For the action category, we will look at two aspects: first the details and suspense to draw the viewers attention. Second, how big is the boom of the action bang! You have hands getting yanked off their wrist sockets, burnt bodies, and flames of fire shooting up from cars. The initial car chase scene even portends the coming infanticide, so good job on keeping a theme. The details add icing; a gutted dead bunny on the side of the road, pigeons flying into Joanne's face as she runs in terror. Oh, and the grandmother character with leg braces and a shotgun.
  Unfortunately only three action scenes stand out: the spectacular first chase, the biker gang taking out the motorcycle MPR, and the the final sequence of Max getting his revenge. Nevertheless, I expected more torturous tactics and more fire and explosions. Then again, maybe it's just the start of his madness so he starts off easy. I will have to see Mad Max 2 and 3 to see if his madness really fills in later. - CS
  
• Star Power (8): A pioneering role for Mel. This is a tried and true plot in which a good guy gets sucked into a vendetta after things get personal (see Braveheart, Gladiator, The Patriot...). This is perhaps his first role as the reluctant hero, but it cemented the formula for most of MG’s later characters. Was Jesus a reluctant hero? I guess so… So reluctant he had to get killed before he got pissed and came back for revenge (see The Passion). A fourth installment may be in the works, and since Mel is too old, they are considering, no joke here: Paul Walker as Max. - EA
  

Days of Thunder (7)

• Rides (6): It was all stock cars in Days of Thunder. None of them are distinguishable except their paint jobs. And besides, the panels keep getting ripped off anyways, so it doesn't matter. - CS
  
• Authenticity (8): The cars looked good, the tracks were real, the turns were all left-handers. The crashes were fantastic. The explanation of drafting using sugar packets was essentially right, and anyone who has heard racers give interviews knows that what may have seemed like incredibly stupid writing is actually the sort of dialog that is produced by someone who spent their childhood around leaded fuels not run through catalytic converters. Real NASCAR fans will argue that the on-track dynamics are all wrong and that not that much rubbing takes place, and that at the limits of adhesion in a 170 MPH turn it is not quite possible to slam a passing car into the wall and then swerve back onto your racing line, but I am not a real NASCAR fan and this film seemed to capture the essential gist of the sport. Points given for authenticity in a NASCAR movie tend to come right out of the Action category, and rightly so.
  I can’t speak to whether the farmers of the deep south continue to run their own stills, but at least moonshine makes it an authentic NASCAR movie, if not true to life.
  The wheelchair and rental car racing, the helmetless bike riding and other apparent disregard for personal safety off the track seems to fit with the racing personality. Racers are always dying in mundane street vehicle accidents, getting tickets for outrageous speeds and misusing anything wheeled outside of their sport. Then, for some reason, they quit racing one day because they are terrified on the track. Also, no matter how smart a woman is - even a prodigal brain surgeon - they will still get retarded when it comes to their choices in men and jump on a bike with no head protection short of a wool scarf. Didn’t Tom crash with his girlfriend on the back a few years ago? My guess his feet wouldn’t touch and it tipped over. - EA
  
• Betties (3): Nicole Kidman was sentenced to six months probation after animal rights groups brought suit against her for the poodle hair harvesting operation she employed during the filming. The weird thing about the eighties is the superstars aren’t that hot, but then when you watch some B-level comedy movie where the no-name girl they throw in as a gag love interest, who doesn’t even have speaking lines, steals your heart and shows up in your dreams. That girl was not in this movie.
  Ah what a budget could do in the days before cg (sigh). - EA
  
• One Liners (7): Days of Thunder has some good ones, "Rubbin is racin." "If you're from California, you're not a Yankee. You're not really anything." And it has some very cheesy ones, "Speed. To be able to control it. To know that I can control something that's out of control." "Control is an illusion, you infantile egomaniac." Nothing outstanding, the movie would have fared better were it not walking the hazy line between being serious and overblown. - CR
  
• Action Sequences (7): So the only action in this movie is the racing. That's a no-no for the genre. Think of all the extra-curriculars in Redline: carjacking, c4ing, kidnapping. Cole is meant to be an outsider; he's a Californian, 'formula un' racer who dresses pretty. If they could just add 'capoeira master' to his resume it would accentuate his profile and add some off-tarmac excitement. I'll grant that he does get knocked around by Claire, Harry, Rowdy... pretty much everyone in the movie. But it's far too low-key.
  The race scenes are pretty good, there isn't any glaringly obvious stock footage (no pun intended) aside from the crowd shots. The crashes are sparse enough to let racing take place, and it's fun to see the cars get nonterminally beat up. Unfortunately, the racing is just eye candy. I'm not going to say it's shallow, but Cole's moves consist of, one, weaving through the extras and, two, passing his nemeses on the outside. Sure there's only so much a movie about NASCAR can do to support exciting maneuvers, but choosing a motorsport without chicanes, hairpins, and street courses doesn't give you a free pass. The racing action falls about halfway between The Final Sacrifice and The Ultimate Car Movie. The Ultimate Car Movie (working title) doesn't yet exist, but will stand as the culmination of movie night research. An opus with tens in every category. Check out the plot summary below. - CR
  
• Star Power (9): Days of Thunder features many well known actors, a presidential candidates, and several NASCAR drivers. Tom Cruise and Robert Duvall definitely had a great dynamic presence and banter in the film, which added appeal to the characters they played. This movie helped boost Nicole Kidman's star power even though her character really was of no significance other than the love interest. Despite her character's lack of overall importance, she does have some classic strongly charged scenes in which she lays the smack down on Tom Cruise which instantly gains an audiences admiration for her. Well done star power! - CS
  

Redline (6)

• Rides (9): One might call the cars of this film the creme de la creme, however the French have never manufactured a supercar so it doesn't seem appropriate. Beautiful machines, the whole lot. And while dropping 700,000 wingwangs on handmade v12 monster makes you a tool by most enthusiasts' judgment, it's hard not to appreciate the craftsmanship. The real draw of Redline is that it features a multipartisan lineup of great contenders. Enzo, SLR McClaren, Carrera GT, S7, Diablo, GT, Cobra, C6, CCX. It's today's version of the Skyline/Z/GTO/Supra/RX-7 rivalry that gave F&F so much potential (largely unrealized by the need for a crime subplot). Oh yeah, and there's a goodly amount of racing, these machines aren't just window dressing (GiSS, Tomb Raider).
  A favoritism bonus for the 999 (that the Marine leaves in the desert, presumably because the 1098 came out while he was on tour). - CR
  
• Authenticity (2): Maybe P.Diddy goes around with his entourage of bitches, but not a yoga, zen, all sensitive feeling, crazy vegetarian murderer. Enough said. What was the plot of this movie again? Authenticity was nilche. Girl's band supposedly plays for an underground racing/gambling event, only to become one of its driving contenders, to become the possession of a crazy yogi through a gambling exchange, that falls madly in love with her, to have a hero marine bust all the baddies up and save the day, and she wins the race, proving that she really is daddy's little racer girl. Yeah. Right. - CS
  
• Chicks (8): For fleshies, Redline deserves an eight. There is lots of booty and boobies enhancing the visual background yet completely impertinent to the movie. Then again, without any star power it needed some fleshies as boosters. Unfortunately, the girls have no other appeal than that. The main male character, bad-ass marine, had nice muscular features, but the use of his ninja skills is over the top and hence the appeal of his muscles diminishes quite rapidly - especially when he starts speaking. The main female lead - pleasing to the male viewers - is simply that. Should have made her the lead drummer or guitarist to the band rather than the lead singer. - CR
  
• One Liners (5): This should be lower, but I have to find a category to include the protagonist’s original lyrics that she performed with her group 'The Gasket Blowers' (or whatever automotive name they came up with). Basically a highly produced rock/R&B fusion with lyrics centered entirely on the lead singer alluding to her body parts in mechanical/transportation technical jargon. However, don’t miss the pre-race bargaining agreement that concludes with the sage advice “If you do this, don’t do it for the money, do it because it’s what you were born to do.” - EA
  
• Action Sequences (7): This should be higher because the action was very entertaining and high budget. They did real stunts and it showed. Points lost here are for a lack of hooliganry in the cars. A movie that didn’t shy away from destroying newly purchased exotic sheet-metal should have at least done a few burnouts and donuts to test the piston rings. I unfortunately can’t credit undercover brother’s actual crash in the Enzo here because it was not in the film, but it would have helped. If you bring all the high-dollar muscle, at least flex it a little for the cameras. - EA
  
• Star Power (3): The stars of this movie are gorgeous, overpaid, and very convincing. But I've already discussed the cars. Redline's sole headline actor is Eddie Griffin, and I don't think this movie made anyone's career. Extra credit for the Clef cameo, would have been a solid five if he'd brought his Zonda. - CR
  
  

The Utimate Car Movie
An evil billionaire - let's say the evil twin of the Sultan of Brunei; he's into cars - kidnaps various motorsport legends (star power) and forces them to race for his entertainment. Michael Schumacher, Sebastian Loeb, Team Polizei, Jeremy Clarkson (quotes), Danica Patrick (flesh), Rod Millen, an anonymous Mid Night Club member, and Dale Earnhardt's clone (authenticity) find themselves in the drive of their life.

The first to complete five laps of dystopic future-Nordschleife (clean sections, wet sections, dilapidated sections, and sections roamed by dinosaurs) gets cake, the losers are subjected to a gruesome, ironic death (Jeremy chooses the garage with the idling Ferrari rather than the Prius and passes out on the valve cover).

Each driver receives a well-preserved Group B car (rides) and 90lb of ballast, they can choose between a smoking hot co-driver (flesh) with great track knowledge (authenticity), a nitrous tank, or various corporate sponsorship liveries should they live to spend the money. The evil billionaire wants clean racing, so each car is rigged with exploding tires such that if the driver breaks any FIA regulations, their car is sent careening off the track. They then become the prey of various financiocrats hunting the most dangerous game. That's man by the way.

This movie covers everything. Honest road/track racing with world-class form and breathtaking maneuvers. Hazardous wet/mud/snow racing, well within the repertoire of the slide-happy rally machines. There are even groundbreaking race scenarios that take advantage of future Germany being overrun by dinosaurs, zombies, and the imperial Quebecois.